Don’t tell me names…

It’s sad.. actually it is more than sad…. it’s actually worse. But I guess that’s what life is all about. It’s a sequence of sad events, knitted painfully with good ones … if they exist. It is definately a new land for me, and a new challenge that ended even before I started to see what is all about. Or has it ? Untill now I described it seldomly as a wall … but I come to belive just now that it’s so much more than a wall . A new world of which atmosphere I just got to slightly breath. Why cannot I be passive ? Why do I always have to care and get somehow emotionally involved… and again thrown in the sandbox like I never left it. It took months to get back, on my own … it took thousands of seconds of emptyness and coldness to be redempted. Imagine a row of drops of water falling in the darkness … without touching anything … at all… no hitting sound … no echo … just water falling … and silence. It’s damn hard to put that something under … to stop waisting all the water. I have to re-learn to become flexible … again. Seems I’ve vaguely over-estimated my power to handle my emotions. Using to belive that I could handle feelings like objects … I used to do that, and cannot anymore. I feel I have the power to push someone else to grow, to heal … to evolve, but in the same time I know that I cannot push me, being actually quite sad. I’ve always drew my powers from others happiness and fulfillment … can’t now, don’t know how to do it anymore. Is it because i have changed the environment ? Maybe… Is it because people here tend to keep themselvs closed ? Definately. I feel forced to live only for myself, surrounded only by selfishness and self-concern … but can I do that ?